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New Year New Me?

Writer's picture: CC

Hi Friends,

Eras of Life 2025

Welcome to the year of 2025. This year I approached things a little differently in stead of starting the year off with my ins and outs and what is going on with my vision for the year, I decided to talk about something that I have learned and over came through Christ in hopes that this helps you. This is not in the order of events but more of summary of a whole bunch of little moments that created a positive shift in my life.


In 2023 and 2024, it was two years full of ups and downs. I would say 2023 was the hardest year for me because that was the year my grandmother passed away, and she was my very best friend. I would spend hours with her physically; if we were not together, we were always on the phone. When I was done with classes in college, she was one of the first people I would call to talk about the class or whatever was going on in my life. Later that night, at the end of the day, I would probably end up calling again. I loved her a lot. One thing about my grandmother was that she loved God with all her heart. Out of her many accomplishments in life, if she were to be known for something, it would be for her love for God. Growing up, I always saw her put God first. She was always sensitive to His voice, and when He spoke, she did what she was told to, no matter what. No matter how crazy it seemed or impossible. She always did what she thought was right in the eyes of the Lord and did not care about the opinions of others, no matter how close to her they were. I'm not saying that was easy for her; I know it wasn't; I saw that it wasn't. When God gives you a vision and the world does not see it, that can be isolating, especially if the world thinks you are wrong. But she always persevered, and I have always just been amazed by her discipline and love for God. The Bible says, "Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted." (2 Timothy 3:11-13) and "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11). And through all her actions you knew that she feared the Lord and walked by faith and not by sight. In all of that, I would say a part of me attached some of my relationship with God to her. To me, she is the full testimony of God's impossible works made possible through everything she did. She chased after God, prayed always. You can see that she had the fruit of the spirit, and it was because she was so close to the Lord it helped me be close to the Lord. It made me feel special. When she passed away, it left me feeling empty and very lost when it came to what direction to walk in with my life. I no longer knew what my future looked like because I attached so much of my life to hers. I was disappointed and hurt, but I knew that God was in control and had His reasons why. It hurt, and it felt like God had let go of all the promises made to her and to me of what we imagined the future would look like. It was like I placed my importance and status on her. So, who was I without her? What was my future like? All the plans that we made were no longer. To be honest,I had no clue how much she was a pillar in my life that I based a lot of life on. I did not purposely do this, but as I was feeling lost and pressured by the world on what I should be doing and just honestly depressed. Not only was I dealing with the loss of my best friend, but I was also dealing with a lot outside of that in my personal life. I just felt alone. I was doing all the right things and saying all the right things, but I was not mentally there. To be honest, I have only started to feel like myself again towards the end of 2024, so not long ago. During all this I unconsciously started building up a wall against God. I did not have as much faith anymore. I refused to dream or have hope for the future in fear of disappointment. I still prayed, read my Bible, went to church, and made friends, but it felt like I was playing pretend. It was as if I was watching as life went by, and I was not presently there. Of course, in between, I still had laughs and happiness, but it didn't feel real. During that time, I fell back into sin that I was freed from, and that did not help because it felt like I ruined my salvation. Not only was I hurting I ruined the clean slate I had and got it all dirty and just felt hopeless. I say this story to you as if all these things were all at once. They were not. These are different moments in the past two years that come together as one, but it gives you an idea of just how I was in some part of my life during those two years.


Anyway, one day, I don't remember what day, during one of the church sermons at church my pastor pointed out this verse: "Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit"(Psalms 51:12) and that started to change a lot for me realizing that my salvation was not gone because I messed up. This is so obvious because it's the whole point of why Jesus died on the cross for us, but for some reason, I did not see that clearly, so I would say that was the start of the fog being lifted from my eyes. If you can get anything out of this is that Jesus loves you and that it is never too late to be redeemed. That salvation does not go away because we make a mistake. Repent and try again that is what is important, God does not expect us to be perfect He knows that we can't that's why he sent His one and only son Jesus to die on the cross for us to be able to have a relationship with us. I struggle with wanting to be perfect, and I think that added to my hurting these past couple of years. I was raised to aim for the best and be the best. On top of that, I have my own personal pressures of wanting to be perfect that, in some ways, is paralyzing or not healthy, but in other ways, pushes me to be better. But we are not called to be perfect, and intrying to be perfect, I would want to control everything. Instead of letting God be in control, I tried my hardest to hold on to control while praying to God for Him to be in control. I did not realize I had a wall up against God because of the hurt and disappointment I had from the past. I deep down did not trust God as much as I thought I did because of how hurt and lost I felt. But holding these disappointments against Him was not hurting Him but me. I was more alone, sad, lost, and confused because I placed in my mind He would do something He never promised me he would. This need for control also just left me extremely anxious and fretful all the time. God opened my eyes to what I could not see in my own life, to how hurt I actually was by everything that happened in the past two years that I was pretending to be fine with everything, and to the fact that I have to break down my walls against Him to truly start to feel the freedom of my salvation again that I once felt when I was first saved. The freedom and faith of knowing that everything will be okay because God is in control and I am not. It does not matter what society says or what your family or friends say. What matters is what God says about me and my future. I spent so much of the past two years also trying to please everyone around me to be the perfect version of me, so they see me as that and trying to pursue the perfect career plan because it is what is expected of me, but deep down, I am hurting and feeling miserable. Realizing all this was a hard pill for me to swallow because I want to think that I am perfect and I have it all figured out, but I don't, and if I am being honest, I am relieved that I do not that God does. I spent the end of 2024 and the first month of 2025 praying and fasting on and off, trying to put aside what is expected of me; instead of what I think is best for me and just laying it out before God. I decided to try to actually listen because, at the end of the day, I already have the best of what God can offer me, which is a relationship with Him. I already won at life because of my faith and relationship with Him. What more could I want is extra and given by his grace not because I am owed that but rather because He loves me enough to provide that for me, His daughter. "Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?" (Matthew 6:26) He is the provider. I Have been praying and asking for two years what He wants for my life and what His will and plans are so that I can walk in the path He has directed for me. But while praying, I was busy making my ownplans. But God always provides and always works all things for my good, so why have I been so resistant because of people's expectations? "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28). This year we are walking by faith and not by sight. It's time that I take my grandmother's example and make sure God is the center of every area of my life and not just some areas. I may not know what this year will hold for me career-wise, in my relationship, or anything else, but what I do know is that I am letting go of expectations. I am not defined by people, a career, or a relationship but rather by God. I want to look back at my life and feel proud of the life I have lived. And that's one thing that I can confidently say is that I am sure my grandmother looks back and is extremely proud of the life she has lived.


I hope some of my recent life updates and realizations helps with whatever you may be going through in your personal life, and remember God loves you and I love you, You are never alone.


Christie :)

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